Mafia Gazette Past Issue 63
The Mafia Gazette Issue 63 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Thursday 8th December 'MORE BANK ROBBERIES: SUSPECT STILL AT LARGE ' Several people have now lost millions, with an unlucky few losing their entire life savings as bank robberies happened overnight in Los Angeles and Denver. Unknown perpetrators broke into the banks in the early hours of the morning and removed vast quantities of money, with the Denver bank being almost totally cleaned out. These spates of robberies are not the first to occur over the last few days, however they seem to have been the biggest, particularly with Denver being so badly hit. At least one man was said to have lost multi-millions to be left with ten dollars to his name. Many are angry about the robberies and it is certain that if the person responsible is found, all the money they have stolen will not save them from the anger they have created with their actions. It is rumoured that there was a personal reason for the total clearance of the Denver Bank, with a possibility that the theft was to deprive the resident Made families of their income to pay for such things as bodyguards and guns, but this remains unconfirmed. Police have stated that there are at least two suspects in the recent Denver raids, but have not released the names as yet. They are continuing their investigations however, and we at the Gazette hope to be able to bring the names to you as soon as we have them. The robberies have been occurring countrywide, with New York, Chicago and Atlanta banks also hit that we know of and anyone with any information on any of these crimes is asked to contact the Gazette as soon as possible 'FEDS LOOKING FOR PAPER TRAIL ' By: Strange_Venom The Gazette has learned through a source within the FBI that a specialist team has recently been set up within the Bureau to investigate the financial dealings of the Editor in Chief of the Gazette, CarmelaDeAngelis. Ms DeAngelis, a resident of Chicago on learning of this investigation, codenamed “Operation Rinse”, was quick to denounce it as an invasion of privacy and a gross insult that the Bureau should even consider her of any wrong doing. The Gazette has a long standing working relationship with various individuals within the Federal Bureau of Investigation which until now has worked to the benefit of both parties. It has emerged that an informer within the reporting staff of the Gazette has tipped the authorities that Ms DeAngelis is the head of an Organised Crime syndicate which has been counterfeiting U.S dollars and laundering the money through a chain of international bank accounts with an estimated gross profit of $100 million per year. Though the investigation is currently in its early stages, our man in the Bureau reports that audits have already been carried out which highlight a suspicious discrepancy between the amount of blank “news-sheet” paper entering the Gazette production facility and the eventual output of finished “print”. The figures show that whilst 75 tons of paper entered the factory at the end of October this year, only 50 tons of newspapers were produced. Discounting an estimated 25 percent of the deficit for printing errors during production, this still leaves approx 18 tons of paper unaccounted for. The authorities believe that this surplus paper is being used to produce counterfeit $50 notes and is believed to be the true reason behind the recent losses incurred by the underworld banker MadDog, whom the Bureau targeted to seize somewhere in the region of $60 million worth of the counterfeit notes in order to take them out of circulation. Needless to say, the Gazette will report more on this breaking news as it develops. 'HOFFA KILLERS SPEAK OUT ' By: Gazette Reporter It’s been just 24 hours since the blood was shed throughout the streets of LA with almost all of the famous Hoffa family falling. Many have speculated that this may have been part of some inter family war with some of the surviving members attacking members of Detroit’s Cali Cartel for retribution. Since these events though an underground faction known only as, ‘The Conceptualists,’ has stepped forward to claim credit for massacre of the Hoffa’s. It seems that these events were sparked following comments made at, ‘The Blue Rajas,’ funeral by both Jimmy and Mai Hoffa. Up until these comments, ‘The Conceptualists,’ had been keeping themselves low profile and very little is still known about them, it is believed that the now deceased 0blivion may well have been the leader of this family although that is yet to be confirmed. A spokesman for The Conceptualists has admitted that they were 100% responsible for the Hoffa massacre and have stated hat from this moment on that those who are unfit to lead won’t lead. 'KIDNAPPERS THREATEN NEWSPAPER ' Following on from the kidnapping last week of the Editor of the Gazette, CarmelaDeAngelis-Giunta, a letter was received at the Gazette offices this morning. It read: “Dear Readers, ”Just over a week ago I kidnapped Carmela De Angelis. Why? Well that was simple, it was a show of strength, and I had to show that I personally had the power to put a halt to the news. ”Since you all now know that I am capable I have a proposition for you all. Its simple really, I want each and every reader to leave $1000 at the newspaper offices in Chicago, this isn’t a lot of money for any of you but if every reader does as they are told then it’s a lot of money for me. ”You have until December 10th at midday to comply otherwise there will be no more news ever again. I thank you.” The police are looking into the letter and have warned that while it may be a joke, it could also be an entirely serious demand. Security at the Gazette is being stepped up and it is believed that the Police are posting officers in and around the Gazette building as well as including a personal police escort for the Editor. Ms DeAngelis-Giunta was advised to keep out of the public sphere until the deadline given by the kidnappers. She has however decided that this threat will not keep her from her normal day-to-day activities despite two superficial gunshot wounds in the last two days and this latest letter. We at the Gazette urge anyone with any information on the previous kidnapping or this new threat to come forward. Any information will be treated with utmost confidence. 'FASHION TREND TAKES OFF IN STREETS ' By: B&T Designers MINKY WINKY WOOLLENS! The only thing to be seen in this season! Earlier on this afternoon news filtered out that Bailey head of the Minky Winkies Corporation was kidnapped, this coincides with the launch of her new line in woollen wonders; the latest craze to hit the high streets this winter. Head designer and business manager Tomsk was unavailable for comment, rumoured to be off trying to break the new range of spandex woollens into the domain of homo-erotic fanatics and chick with dick fetishists. Minky Winkies is a join business venture by Bailey and Tomsk, both rumoured to be worth a packet, and now we can understand why Bailey was kidnapped. A company spokesman said that there had not yet been a ransom demand and took the opportunity of giving us the following insight into the woollen wonders that everyone is clambering for (sounding awfully like a cheap publicity stunt) ‘This new ‘must have’ fashion accessory is what all the chic Mafiosi will be wearing this season. Bailey has catered for every need and desire, all lovingly woven together with her own fair hand. Nothing but the finest materials have been used, from the rare womble wool to the goat fur as favoured by today’s crème de la crème of the mafia world. For example, got a mimsy stinking like Grimsby? Then our crotchless Minky Winky woollens are just the things to allow your privates to breathe, and remain private. Its it ‘that’ time of the month? Then our extra strength gusset line will hide any trace of sanitary aid. We cater for the affluent and the not so well off, we have a fine line in mink and goat lined gussets for those that like that smooth and sensuous feel as they walk and for the other end of the social scale we do a wonderful design for the trailer trash and chavs alike. This range includes the wonderful Burberry woollens with Velcro gusset for easy access, these are unisex so those that can only afford one pair between two can still enjoy the wonderful feel. And for the middle range we have the “What’s that lady wearing down the street there? She’s causing quite a stir!” range. YOU too can look good in our patented fake leopard skin woollens, guaranteed to make your man growl! And we don’t forget the brave men of our fair cities. Why, what better to pop into his Christmas tights than our matching Noddy hat and goat fur pose patch! You’ll never sleep alone again.’ We can only watch and see if this new craze is, just in fact a craze, or whether it will become part of our lives, a fedora for the privates if you will. Before the end of the interview a letter is passed to the company spokesman, he reads it out with a relieved look on his face…. ~ I am pleased to inform you all that Bailey has been released and no harm has come to her, her kidnapper demanded a years supply of the stripy woollens with the spandex gusset, once these were handed over at the designated place Bailey was handed over to the police. She is said to have been treated well and is currently at home recuperating after this awful ordeal~ 'YES, GODFATHER, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS. ' By: Connie_Corleone With the yuletide upon us, I thought it would be fun to share the various beginnings of our favourite holiday visitor, Santa Claus. Let’s start with Ancient Christian origins: The first of these is Saint Nicholas of Myra, a 4th century AD Christian bishop of Myra in Lycia, a province of Byzantine Anatolia, now in Turkey. Nicholas was famous for his generous gifts to the poor, in particular presenting the three impoverished daughters of a pious Christian with dowries so that they would not have to become prostitutes. He was born at Patara, province of Lycia, Asia Minor. He was very religious from an early age and devoted his life entirely to Christianity. In Europe (more precisely the Netherlands, Belgium, Austria and Germany) he is still portrayed as a bearded bishop in canonical robes. The relics of St. Nicholas were transported to Bari in southern Italy by some enterprising Italian merchants; a basilica was constructed in 1087 to house them and the area became a pilgrimage site for the devout. Saint Nicholas became revered by many as the patron saint of seamen, merchants, archers, children, prostitutes, pharmacists, lawyers, pawnbrokers, prisoners, and the city of Amsterdam and of Russia. In Greece, Saint Nicholas is sometimes substituted for Saint Basil (Vasilis in Greek), a 4th century AD bishop from Caesarea. Also, a few villages in West Flanders, Belgium, celebrate a near identical figure, Saint-Maarten. The Germanic Origins are as follows: Prior to the Germanic peoples' conversion to Christianity, Germanic folklore contained stories about the god Odin (Wodan), who would each year, at Yule, have a great hunting party accompanied by his fellow gods and the fallen warriors residing in his realm. Children would place their boots, filled with carrots, straw or sugar, near the chimney for Odin's flying horse, Sleipnir, to eat. Odin would then reward those children for their kindness by replacing Sleipnir's food with gifts or candy. (Note that the Sleipnir has eight legs, corresponding to Santa's eight reindeer.) This practice survived in Belgium and the Netherlands after the adoption of Christianity and became associated with Saint Nicholas. Children still place their straw filled shoes at the chimney every winter night, and Saint Nicholas (who, unlike Santa, is still riding a horse) rewards them with candy and gifts. Odin's appearance was often similar to that of Saint Nicholas, being depicted as an old, mysterious man with a beard. (Other features, like the absence of one eye, are not found in Saint Nicholas.) This practice in turn came to America via the Dutch colony of New Amsterdam, New York and New York City prior to the British seizure in the 17th century, and evolved into the hanging of socks or stockings at the fireplace. Another early folk tale, originating in the Germanic states, tells of a holy man (sometimes St Nicholas), and a demon (sometimes the Devil, Krampus, or a troll). The story states, “the land was terrorized by a monster that at night would slither down the chimneys and slaughter children” (disembowelling them or stuffing them up the flue, or keeping them in a sack to eat later). The holy man sought out the demon, and tricked it with blessed or magical shackles (in some versions the same shackles that imprisoned Christ prior to the crucifixion, in other versions the shackles were those used to hold St. Peter or Paul of Tarsus); the demon was trapped and forced to obey the saint's orders. The saint ordered him to go to each house and make amends, by delivering gifts to the children. Depending on the version, the saint either made the demon fulfill this task every year, or the demon was so disgusted by the act of good will that it chose to be sent back to Hell. A white Dutchman in blackface costume and afro wig as Zwarte Piet. Yet other versions have the demon reform under the saint's orders, and go on to recruit other elves and imps into helping him, thus becoming Santa Claus. In an alternate Dutch version, the saint is aided by Moorish slaves, commonly typified as Zwarte Piet ("Black Peter"). Some tales depict Zwarte Piet beating bad children with a rod or even taking them to Spain (formerly ruled by the Moors) in a sack. Another form of the above tale in Germany is of the Pelznickel or Belsnickle ("Furry Nicholas") who visited naughty children in their sleep. The name originated from the fact that the person appeared to be a huge beast since he was covered from head to toe in furs. Next time, I will explore the American origins and other possible origins as well as Santa rituals, until then share the spirit of the season and give to those who less fortunate than yourself. 'NEW COLUMN: DEAR VANITY ' Hey Buddy! Yes, I’m talking to you. Have you ever found yourself in a situation with your boss that you didn’t know how to handle? Have you ever stumbled across something so shocking you didn’t know what to do with it? Are you looking for new ways to approach that “special someone” you’ve been admiring from afar? Now there’s a solution! Introducing DEAR VANITY The Mafia Gazette proudly presents personal advice from society hostess Vanity Flair. Anyone needing guidance on any troubling issue can send their questions to Vanity@mafia org. Confidentiality assured on items of personal nature. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 02:42, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:42, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:42, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:42, February 15, 2013 (UTC) I read an article in this newspaper about there not been enough affordable horses around anymore. That's why Daltoni Stables, to break the market, is putting all of his horses for sale. At December 7th at 9:58 am these are the horses for sale, if you want to buy you can find them on the market or you can contact Joe_Dalton, owner of Daltoni Stables: *Horses for sale* 1 Chocolate Kidnapper $1,550,000 2 Naked Gypsy $1,450,000 3 Drunk Democrat $2,400,000 4 Old School One $1,900,000 5 Olympic Fireball $2,250,000 6 Special Boy $499,000 7 Peppermint Rocket $1,450,000 8 Modern Dancer $999,000 9 Stealthy Castaway $1,650,000 10 Wet Dancer $1,250,000 11 Intergalactic Drifter $999,000 12 Eternal Candy $499,000 13 Famous Rascal $1,550,000 14 Good Moonwalker $499,000 15 Hairy Brat $650,000 16 Missing Centurion $1,550,000 02:42, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:42, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:42, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:42, February 15, 2013 (UTC) 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '